44 years ago..

"The richer we have become materially, the poorer we become morally and spiritually. We have learned to fly in the air like birds and swim in the sea like fish, but we have not learned the simple art of living together as brothers."

-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  December 11, 1964

Journeys: Speedracer

"Have you been working a lot? You look tired."

Never the words I like to hear. From anyone. Especially the lady that does my hair. "Uh, yeah, yeah..." I mumbled, "Busy." 

Maybe she was just repeating what I had told her earlier--that the reason I hadn't come to see her more frequently in the past 6 months wasn't because I was using another hair stylist, but just simply because I haven't had the time. Maybe her eyesight is just bad. I mean after all, she isn't exactly the youngest gal on the block if you know what I'm saying. 

Okay. Alright, okay. I looked tired because I was tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. I sped through 2008 on overdrive. Running towards the bright future? More like, running away from a past that's still sprinkled throughout my mind. Creating distance, making new friends, joining new activities, establishing new routines, shedding the old...one piece at a time. 

It's funny how life does that to you...with each experience you go through, you gain something...something called perspective. After each blow, each loss, each disappointment, each failure, you sure don't walk away empty-handed. It's too easy to just forget and move on. You get a couple of Hey-Thanks-For-Playing prizes. Maybe it's a slice of humble pie. Maybe it's a newfound sense of appreciation for something or someone. Maybe it's a "Well, now I know" kind of attitude. It may even be thicker skin or a stronger self-defense mechanism. Whatever it is, we're not quite the same as we were before. For most of us, not only do we gain something new, we also begin accumulating something old called baggage. Souvenirs, if you will. 

I close my eyes. I'm ready. I'm so ready. For nights like these, for nights when I sit in my room and breathe slowly, so that I feel my heart beating, sometimes aching. So that it doesn't escape me for even a minute that I am very much alive. That each moment of my life was indeed real and it all happened in its rightful place in history--my history. And it's nights like these, that even though I often only mention the down times, I feel some sort of satisfaction knowing that all of it is mine. They're my memories, good and bad, and no one can take them away from me. They're my life experiences, my stories. 

And that's when I start to realize that the past can't hurt me anymore. I look in the rearview mirror and see things pop up once in a while and I might flinch, but then I realize it slowly fades away into the background. I might not forget, and I might not lose those souvenirs, but I'm not held captive anymore either. I can now enjoy inner peace, smile, and dream again. 

   

In reality, I've only have 2 really rough patches in my life. I've been incredibly blessed, I truly have, but I've also had to learn some tough lessons during those rough patches. 

Maybe those are really blessings too. 

Looks like I may not need to be in such a rush anymore. But just to be safe, I'll make sure to catch some extra zzz's before I go to another hair appointment.

-SL

Fwd:RE:RE: (no subject)

"Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain

Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty

You can't live

This way too long

There's more than this

More than this

Have you been standing on your own feet too long

Have you been looking for a place where you belong

You can rest

You will find rest

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered

Have you been giving in to all these masquerades, it will be gone

Let this old life crumble

Let it fade

Let this new life offered be your saving grace

Let this old life crumble

Let it fade"

-Jeremy Camp "Let it Fade"

Do you ever feel like the world is too loud sometimes? It seems like everyone is shouting, hoping that their shouts are louder than the next person's. I don't think it hit me until just now, but I am completely overwhelmed by the over-saturation of media in my life. The economy, the presidential campaigns, the propositions. I am inundated with how many hundreds of points the Dow has gone up one day and back down the next. I can't drive a single mile without hearing Vote Yes on Number X on the radio and simultaneously passing by a yard with Vote No on Number X sign. Then there's McCain this, Obama that. It's everywhere, every moment, and I'm not saying these are not real and relevant issues because of course they are, but I am simply just overwhelmed. 

Lately I've been overwhelmed with other things as well, mainly just my daily routines and responsibilities. Obviously I've not had a chance to update my blog, much less even remember the fact that I have a blog. Yet beyond all these things that are happening all around me, I'm thinking about my own life, my own journey. The song above really captures what is going on in my heart/mind. 

As I considered the questions asked in the song, and as I self-diagnosed the over-saturation of media in my life, a word popped in my head loud and clear: solitude. So then, obviously, I googled the word "solitude" and found this article:

Solitude vs. Loneliness by Hara Estroff Marano

"As the world spins faster and faster--or maybe it just seems that way when an email can travel around the world in fractions of a second--we mortals need a variety of ways to cope with the resulting pressures. We need to maintain some semblance of balance..."

"Otherwise we feel overloaded, overreact to minor annoyances and feel like we can never catch up. As far as I'm concerned, one of the best ways is by seeking, and enjoying, solitude.

From the outside, solitude and loneliness look a lot alike. Both are characterized by solitariness. But all resemblance ends at the surface.

Loneliness is a negative state, marked by a sense of isolation. One feels that something is missing. It is possible to be with people and still feel lonely.

Solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely. It is a positive and constructive state of engagement with oneself. 

Solitude is a time that can be used for reflection, inner searching or growth or enjoyment of some kind. 

Solitude suggests peacefulness stemming from a state of inner richness. It is a means of enjoying the quiet and whatever it brings that is satisfying and from which we draw sustenance.

Solitude is refreshing; an opportunity to renew ourselves. In other words, it replenishes us. 

Solitude gives us a chance to regain perspective. It renews us for the challenges of life." 

I think I'm ready for some solitude...

Journeys: Here comes the bride...

I had just finished brushing my teeth and was getting ready to go to bed when I heard my mom call my name. I just told her a second ago how tired I was--what did she want now? Apparently, my parents' wedding video is now available on DVD, courtesy of Costco's wonderful services. So I sat down and watched...in amazement and slight horror.

It was quite amusing to see my parents and relatives with their big hair, in their 80's outfits (which is totally in now, by the way.) My dad looked like he was too cool for school (Ha, OK dad..). I saw my cousin Danny, who was a little kid, and now he's 30 and getting married next month. Crazy. What really struck me--the main reason I even thought of writing this entry--was my mom. Growing up, I've always believed that I was the complete opposite of my mom. She had health issues as a child; I was a perfectly healthy child. She did not participate in sports; I absolutely love playing/watching sports. She's very girly; I'm not as much. Anyway, you get the point. When I was a kid, I was extremely close to my mom. I thought my dad was a meanie. My mom and I went shopping after school, and I always deemed her my "favorite" parent. Then somewhere along the way, we grew apart, because I (was a teenager) and began being very critical of her. Why aren't you like the other moms? Why do you always do this/that? Ugh, you don't understand me at all! Like seriously, why can't she be like that Gilmore mom? Or at least someone who's nice and bakes warm apple pies. Anyway, then high school came, along with her reminding (bugging) me about studying, piano, etc etc, which made me resent her even more. As a child I adored her, but as an adolescent, I questioned and critized her. How could she say something like that? How could she think something like that? I even went as far as to tell her that, had we been classmates in another world/lifetime, I wouldn't be her friend. (I meant to say it in a mean way, but I realized I just end up sounding really immature). I found that as I got older, I often told myself--I don't want to be like her when I grow up. This is what I'm going to do differently, as a mom/wife/whatever. This is how I'm going to be different. 

So this brings us to the climax of the story. I was absolutely stunned when I saw her in the video because something was oddly familiar. I realized right away that it was familiar because I saw myself in her mannerisms. I couldn't believe it. Her voice even sounded like mine, which was crazy, because her voice now doesn't sound anything like mine now. My mom, who I've always thought as a complete opposite person from me, was on that tv screen, at age 28, acting and sounding like me. I'm like my mom? Go figure.

I'm not so different...I'm not so special. I think maybe every generation thinks they are something really great, they scoff at the old-timers, laughing at how out-of-date they are, how uncool they were. But we forget...we're just one season, one batch, just like all the other ones that have come before us. We may be different, but we ain't that different. I was born and raised here; my parents weren't. We have a culture gap, age gap, heck--even language gap. Yet, perhaps I am not so different from them. After all, I am part my mom, part my dad. I can't escape that. We've learned in our classes that we study history because it's the story of our past, and our past is often what dictates our future. 

I mentioned in my first or second entry that writing for me, as it is for many, is kind of a journey. It's a process of self-discovery and finding out your own identity, which is something that I believe keeps evolving. Watching my parent's wedding video was funny, but it struck another chord as well: how it relates to me. It also reminds me not to be so critical of my parents. They've aged so much since the time of their wedding, they've battled through so much since then, and life just goes by way too fast. Someday, that'll be me on the DVD (if those haven't gone obsolete by then), and it'll be my kids seeing a little bit of me in them. 

"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child. For what is the worth of human life, unless it is woven into the life of our ancestors by the records of history?" -Cicero.

Letters to You: Better Days

Dear J,

Sometimes, especially on days like today, I get the feeling that life is kind of like Minesweeper. We're faced with a grid of blank squares, and we carefully choose a square at a time, hoping we don't click on a mine. 

Specifically, I'm talking about tragedies hitting close to home. Growing up, I've heard of things happening, but always a few degrees separated from me. Post-high school these "things" crept a degree closer, and post-college they tiptoed just that much closer. Just like Minesweeper, these terrible things always seem to catch you by surprise. 

Do you know why I hate cliches? I hate cliches because by definition they are phrases that are overused, yet they are only overused because they are actually true. Thus,  there's usually no way around using them because the words say it like it is. What a Catch 22. 

I didn't know him very well, like you did, but it's still all I can think about right now. It hit me that he and I may not have had that much in common, but we all share one thing: our humanity. So while I don't know his personal circumstances, I know what it's like to be in a dark place...a place I was sure no one else could ever comprehend, devoid of hope and meaning. A place where pain choked out the other emotions like weeds did to plants in a garden. A place that screamed, "It will never be okay." Was any of it rational? Most likely not, but when are we ever rational when it comes to our own lives, our heart, our thoughts, and our emotions? But I was able to get out of that place. He didn't. That's what is so heartbreaking--to see someone lose that battle. 

When something like this happens, I get so upset that everything on reality tv nowadays portrays such a superficial life. Let's be honest: Reality makes reality tv look trivial and shallow. But at the same time, I am more guilty than anyone for watching because at the end of the day, sometimes reality is too overwhelming that I watch fake reality to trick my mind into thinking that life could be so effortless and serious-problem free. 

I pray for true peace and comfort for you and anyone and everyone who had a part in his life.

-SL

 

"And you ask me what I want this year

And I try to make it kind and clear

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings

And designer love and empty things

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words

And sing out loud

Cause everyone is forgiven now

Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I need someplace where we could live

And that's only something You can give

And that's faith and peace and trust while we're alive

And the one poor child who saved this world

And there's probably 10 million more who probably could

If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

I wish everyone was loved tonight

And somehow stop this endless fight

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words

And sing out loud

Cause everyone's forgiven now

Cause tonight's the night the world begins again"

-"Better Days" Goo Goo Dolls

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:7

Sunday Fundays: Olympic Dreaming

I was excited for this year's Olympics. To be honest, I have never been very excited for the Olympics. As a huge sports fan, I realize that may seem weird. I think it was mostly because it involved many sports I don't even watch--gymnastics, swimming, cycling, weightlifting (I mean, come on..really??) But I think I'm starting to get it now. For example, I don't know what to look for in gymnastics in terms of scoring, but I do know that what they're doing required blood, sweat, and tears. I know that all of their hard work and practice comes down to one chance and one moment in front of the whole world. And I appreciate their passion and their journey in pursuit of their goals and dreams. 

Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's not, but I've always had these dreams where I'm someone great, or I'm someone doing something great. For some of these Olympians, they had a dream, and they are living it right now in Beijing. I'm 24 now, how many of my dreams are realistic anymore? When I was a kid, it was okay to have these absurd yet beautiful dreams because at the time, I didn't know any better. There was hope that it could happen because hey, anything can happen. But what happens when we grow up? What do we dream about now? "Oh, when I grow up, I want to be a 35 year old soccer mom?" "I want a 9-5 job with 2 weeks vacation a year!" I don't know...

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, how do I deal with mediocrity? How do I accept that in this one life we have to live, I will never be some of the things I've dreamed of being? Depressing huh? 

And then I realize that I'm looking at it all wrong. I will have a lot of misery in my life if I think like that. It's the classic mistake of looking at everything I don't have and not realizing the worth of everything I do have. In a world where nothing's promised--not riches, not success, not even the breath in our lungs, we have to appreciate the beauty of simple, ordinary things. We can find joy in our lives no matter how unglamorous it seems compared to what we had hoped for. We may not be winning gold medals for our country, but we can still be doing something meaningful with our lives. I'm not even going to say, "Okay everyone, let's make a difference in someone's life!" How about we settle for making a difference in someone's day for starters? Telling a joke to get a smile, offering an ear to listen, saying words to comfort, extending a hand to help out. It's not about the fame and glory like I had originally dreamed of as a kid. It should be about who I am and what I do--not only when the world is watching, but especially when the world's not watching. 

Maybe the theme of my 24th year of life is becoming less concerned with myself (aka being less self-centered) and loving others more. It'll probably require some blood, sweat, and tears because, let's be honest, it's probably a lot easier said than done. But hey, so is winning 8 gold medals right? 

Journeys: 525,600 minutes..How do you measure a year?

"2008 is certainly an easier year for you than was the case in the second half of 2006 and throughout much of 2007, dear Leo. This year, you find more joy in your daily routines."

I'm not a follower of astrology, but this one--come on! This one hit a little too close to home. 

A birthday, in my mind, is kind of similar to New Year's Day. It serves as a reminder that a year has gone by. It's a time to reflect on what has occurred, and it's a time to look ahead and think of what one hopes to occur. 

Last year, I was sad on my birthday. I think it was my first sad birthday in life. I was sad because I was lost and lonely. I was in a transition phase, and I was experiencing growing pains. I was 8 months out of college with no real sense of where I wanted to go, but afraid to take a wrong step, so I ended up taking no steps. I had broken relationships with friends and family: I was no longer connected to college friends because of the distance, and I had alienated and hurt my childhood friends because I betrayed their trust. On top of that, I had an extremely rocky relationship with my parents. Lastly, I was at war within myself. 

So my birthday came and went. On the day of, I received minimal birthday wishes. Some here, some there. I had been forgotten. There's few things that can feel as deeply cutting as being forgotten on your birthday, the very day you were brought into the world--basically a day of celebration for your existence in life. Just a year before, I was on top of the world. I couldn't help but think, "How did it get to this point?"

Not long after that (2 days to be exact), I left for a trip to Asia. I was a "coach" for high schoolers from all over California participating in a cross-cultural leadership training program called Project Ascent. We visited various cities (Hong Kong, Xian, Beijing, Tianjin) and did various activities (met with trouble teens at a HK high school, visited a village school and their homes, interacted with well-educated Chinese high school students, and visited an orphanage for disabled children). Throughout the trip, I felt rejuvenated. I felt alive again. I formed relationships with the high school kids--meaningful ones. We shared unique experiences with each other. We leaned on each other for support and took care of one another when someone got sick (Well, actually the coaches took care of the kids when they were sick). We made each other laugh and explored the new culture together.  It was one of the best trips of my life. I watched the kids grow so much throughout the trip, and I offered advice in guidance when I could. I went to sleep with peace, and I woke up with excitement. Can't ask for anything better than that. 

This year, I had a great birthday. I felt good. I think about everyone who had wished me a happy birthday today, and they are literally from all my walks of life: my friends from Cornell, my Project Ascent kiddies, family members, Evergreeners, basketball teammates, high school classmates, old colleagues, current colleagues, and of course my best friends. I'm not saying I need to "feel good" about myself, but I think the point I'm making is that...I see a difference from last year. The difference is that this past year, I took the time to develop and grow relationships. I put in time and effort into people that I care about, and I think that's something that as humans, we can sense from one another. I found joy in friends again. I took steps forward instead of being afraid. This past year, I went on an amazing trip, started a new job (9 months and counting!), started BSF, rebuilt old friendships, made new friends, and basically tried put myself out there and lay it all out. I think it's when I stopped being self-centered that I actually felt happy and free again. If I sound like I'm patting myself on the back right now, I'm not trying to. I'm just happy that I learned a big lesson and was able to climb my way back out of the hole I dug myself into. I'm just thankful for everyone in my life. "Nothing in this life worth fighting for is easy."

I'm 24! And as I post this, another year has officially come and gone...

Letters to you: Time to wake up, sleepyhead

Dear K,

Today was kind of a weird day. First of all, there was an earthquake. Second of all, I cried twice at work. Well, it was more like tearing up. Let me explain.

Yes, you've probably heard by now that there was a 5.4 earthquake in L.A today. One headline read, "Earthquake gives L.A a wake-up call." Interesting choice of words. It was probably trying to convey that L.A should be prepared to get one hell of an earthquake sometime in the near future. As technologically advanced as we are nowadays, I guess we still can't predict earthquakes (but apparently we can rest assured that there is a "99% chance that there will be a 6.7 magnitude or greater earthquake in the next 30 years." Awesome. That's probably one of the scariest/slightly vague statistics I've heard in a while. I mean come on...the next 30 years? That's 6 years longer than my whole existence on this planet. Can't you narrow it down a bit?) But anyway, the term "wake-up call" is interesting because it can mean so many different things to so many people. It can mean, "whoah, what am I doing in life?" or "Wow, I should really make sure to do this..." or "I need to appreciate so-and-so more" or "I need to start living and stop worrying" or "If I keep living like this, I'll be sorry." More broadly speaking, it's defined as this: 

Wake-up call (noun) 

figurative- "a person or thing that causes people to become fully alert to an unsatisfactory situation and to take action to remedy it" 

I'm sure you'll agree with me that most wake-up calls are not very pleasant, but unfortunately that's what we need to wake up from our daze. In fact, they could very save us from something much worse. 

Okay, moving on. I'm sure you'll want to know why I was crying (tearing up). Well the first time was because I watched this video on YouTube of Derek Redmond at the 1992 Olympic competing in the 400 meter. Seriously, you'll probably cry too. The whole world watched as this Olympic Athlete fell to the ground from a sudden hamstring injury during the race, only to stagger and get up slowly, refuse medical aid, and continue on. The world looked on as his father ran onto the track, undeterred by security, to be a shoulder for his son to lean on as he limped to finish the race. We all saw the pain, disappointment, and utter devastation in Derek's face as he cried with his father's arm wrapped around him. One of the most poignant scenes in sports history. 

The second reason I cried (really, I only teared up) was because of more personal reasons. Just overall sadness for what once was good, but now is nonexistent. That stuff gets me emotional, you know? It's just hard when your heart was tied up in something. 

One time, when I was at Heathrow airport in London on my way to studying abroad in Barcelona, I met a girl that was headed to Paris to finish her Master's. She had also studied abroad before, and then she offered me this advice, "You will just have to learn to laugh at yourself." 

This brief conversation was two and a half years ago that took place on a different continent with a complete stranger who just happened to cross paths with me that day. But you know what, she's right. Sometimes it's okay to laugh, even if it seems like my life is soo dramatic (ha) and I should to be crying. 

So there was my day in a nutshell. 3 wake-up calls:

1. Earthquake- We have to be as prepared as we can be (anything can happen at any time)

2. 1992 Olympics- Even if we've prepared for something doesn't mean it'll go as planned or have a happy ending, but that doesn't mean we can just give up. 

3. My personal issue- After all things said and done, we shouldn't take ourselves too seriously. 

Hope you are doing well. Talk to you soon when you get back home...

-SL

Journeys: Ready to go

"And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

Cause sooner or later it's over

I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah, you bleed just to know your alive"

-"Iris", Goo Goo Dolls

When was the last time you felt alive? When was the last time you heard beautiful music and closed your eyes to take it all in? When was the last time you laughed so hard, your soul smiled? When was the last time you cried so hard, you didn't think it was physically possible to hurt anymore than you are hurting? When was the last time you realized that this is it: this here is my life, and it's the only one I'm gonna get.

They say, "Change is the only constant in life," but I know for a fact that my body, mind, and heart cringe when I face change. We love the warmth of familiarity. We bask in the comfort of status quo. We are creatures of habit. In college, I'd almost always arrive at class and sit in the same seat even though we didn't have assigned seats. We fall into routines: Mondays through Fridays. 9-5s. Weekly dinners with Grandma. Monthly work events. Basketball games on Tuesday nights. Farmer's market on Saturdays. The list of my habitual routines (is that a redundant phrase?) goes on. Recently, I was trying to remember the date of a specific time that my friends and I went out in Santa Monica, but I could not remember for the life of me when that was...a few months ago? Before New Year's 2008? After? There was absolutely no point of reference in my mind for that night because my life has become a routine, therefore blending most of my days together.

So I don't want to let my life slip away before my very own eyes. I'm almost 24--an age that I'm sure if my 16-year old self could meet my current self, I would've said, "You're so olddddd!!" But I figure, when I'm 30, I'll probably wish I was 24. When I'm 40, I'll wish I was 30, etc etc.  The point is, I want to "taste this moment," and I want that to be all I taste: not regretting the past, not living presently in a daze hoping that something/someone will come along and make it all wonderful, and definitely not worrying about where I will be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. "Sooner or later it's over, and I just don't want to miss you tonight." It will be over...most likely sooner than later (or so it'll feel like when we're old and reminiscing), but no need for despair! There is so much in this world to be discovered, so much potential for personal growth to be realized, so many people to establish relationships with, so many extraordinary sights & sounds to absorb....and it doesn't mean we have to check them all off our list, but I do think it means we need to start somewhere. We need to start by opening ourselves up and making a conscious effort to take that first step. Know that you have every right to be happy each and every day. You deserve it. We all do. 

So be aware and be present in your life. Don't settle for ordinary. Don't live each day just to get to the next. Do something. Feel something (emotionally--please don't go around touching people and blaming it on me). Basically, do anything to know that yes....we are alive, this is not a dream and it is actually happening. Go to a concert, drive down the coast with the windows down, lie at the park and look at clouds. 

Don't be that person who needs to "bleed just to know you're alive." I know my thoughts are all jumbled, and maybe I don't have a clear message or moral of the story. I just know that life is too short to be numb and just fall into routines like robots.  

"We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths; in feelings, not figures on a dial. We should count time by heartthrobs." - David Bailey

Live with passion.

-SL

Casual Fridays: A side of Jellyfish, please

Spineless. 

adjective

1. Having no spine or backbone; invertebrate

-figurative (of a person) lacking resolution; weak and purposeless; a spineless coward

synonyms: feeble, ineffectual, cowardly, namby-pamby

"You are spineless, Stephanie." 

I struggled to understand those words. I still struggle. 

Now I don't care if you are male or female, pretty or ugly, fat or skinny, white or black, young or old: you will not enjoy being called a word described by the dictionary as "weak" and "purposeless." No way. Because that hits you at the innermost core of your being. Plain and simple, it strips away your dignity as a self-respecting human being.

Let's rewind. Why was I called spineless? More than once...(Twice to be exact). I'll sum it up for you: Because I don't like saying no. I don't like saying no to you, to her, to him, to them. This has been the case since I was a kid on the playground. See Tracy over there with the Gushers candy? I wouldn't ask her for any if there was even the slightest chance she'd say no. Or what about Jimmy over there with the Pringles. (side note: Wow, thank you to American snackmakers for making children obese!) Anyway, nope, I wouldn't ask him either. Because let's be honest, I'd probably be so embarrassed if heaven forbid someone said no to me. So I've kind of turned that around and applied to how I treat others. Kind of like a golden rule thing: Treat others as you wish to be treated. Well, I don't like hearing "no", so therefore I should minimize saying "no" to others right? Or so I THOUGHT until I got called spineless by "friends." 

Now don't get me wrong, I do say no, and my irrational fear of "no" (both giving and receiving) has decreased dramatically since my playground days...but you know what? I just don't get it. I realize I need to "stand up" for myself and be independent, but I don't understand why the word "spineless" can just be thrown around so casually (actually, I don't think it was so casual--I think it was meant to hurt, but that's a whole separate issue) Say what you want about me being afraid that people won't like me if I say no, which reasonably could be a miniscule factor, but how about, that at the root of things, maybe I actually have good intentions? Good intentions not to hurt others...intentions to treat others as I want to be treated. Maybe you love hearing "no"! Maybe you're sadistic? Who knows. That's you, not me. All I know is how I feel and how I think, and I can only act on that. 

So that's right, I've said yes and gone to events I didn't necessarily want to go to for the sake of supporting a friend. Yes, I've helped someone do something, even if it meant going out of my way a bit. Yes, I'll take a flyer from that person standing in the parking lot and pretend to look at it (because how much does it suck to have to hand out something you don't want to be handing out to people who completely ignore you?) In my opinion, my actions are not spineless or weak: it's realizing that there's more to this life and this world than just ourselves...our goals, our needs, our wants. 

In the main atrium of the Hotel School at Cornell, there's a plaque with a quote from E.M Statler that says, "Life is service--the one who progresses is the one who gives his fellow men a little more, a little better service." In the hospitality industry, among hoteliers and restaurateurs, that's what we live and breathe. In the bigger scheme of things, that's what we, the human race, can call love. And even though putting yourself out there like that is risky because it might lead to hurt (via people not appreciating you or calling you spineless perhaps), it's okay. Why? Tell 'em Sister T: 

"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love"

So it's okay that it hurt me to be called out for trying to do what I thought was right. No one said it was gonna be easy right? Let me end by throwing another quote out there for you (you'll probably start to notice that I like quotes a lot): "The purpose of life is not to be happy--but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you have lived at all." -Leo Rosten

I think this Leo character brings up some good points. And you know what? If you ask me, all of that sounds like exactly the antonym of the word "spineless." 

 -SL

Letters to you: New Beginnings

Dear B,

Do you ever get the feeling that people fill their lives with stuff, just so that they can forget? Or at least so they can escape the reality of their own lives...which can be often boring, often painful, often numbing. 

Well...for the past year...I've stopped writing. Growing up as an only child, I've done a lot of writing in my journal, whether it's "I went to a birthday party and we swam in the pool. It was fun." to "My parents are so unfair, I hate them" (which, by the way, is when I realized that my mom had been reading my journal because she responded to that entry and wrote back to me in MY OWN journal, "But Steph, how will you get into Harvard if you don't study hard?" Wow. Typical Asian parent...but guess what Mom, I didn't even apply to Harvard! Ha! Joke's on you!) So to make a long story short, I liked writing about my thoughts and things that happened. It was nice (and kind of funny) to look back and remember my life, narrated by me, as it was happening. So that brings me back to why I haven't written for the past year. I've stopped wanting to remember. Maybe I was going through a tough year (minus the maybe). Those were the days when I couldn't sit down to write because that meant sit down and face the facts. Reality check. Ha, no thanks. But that's the thing...you can't run away from your own thoughts, you can only hide them away and/or drown them out temporarily. So that's what I did. I'd watch t.v until late enough at night so that as soon as I got into bed, I would fall asleep instead of lie awake with my thoughts. These thoughts usually came in the form of questions to myself: "Are you letting your life slip by? Will you become a big waste of potential? Are you going to be lonely your whole life? Are you always going to be disappointed by others? Is it possible to mess up so bad that whatever it is can never be fixed? Why am I the way I am?"

B, I know you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. I imagine some people's lives are simple. Or maybe everyone is carrying around a load of burdens, worries, fears, scars, regrets on their shoulders. I don't know. But this is my next step. I'm going to write again. Whether it's pretty or ugly, uplifting or depressing. I don't want to say it's a journey of self-discovery because I'm not sure I could ever understand or comprehend myself, but instead I want it to be a journey of growth and new beginnings. No more wanting to forget, no more hiding. Whenever I used to clean my room, my strategy was just to shove everything somewhere it couldn't be seen--under the bed, in the closet, etc. Ha, guess what...my room wasn't very clean; in fact, I think it kind of got worse every time I fake-cleaned. You get the analogy right? Man, I love analogies.

Anyway, we haven't talked in a while, but I hope you are doing well. Don't be upset at the friend you were telling me about ok? Everyone's human and bound to mess up, but they don't always do it intentionally. And even if they do, it might just mean their load of burdens is a little heavier than they can bear by themselves. Life's too short to hold grudges. Hope to hear from you soon..

-SL