Casual Fridays: A side of Jellyfish, please

Spineless. 

adjective

1. Having no spine or backbone; invertebrate

-figurative (of a person) lacking resolution; weak and purposeless; a spineless coward

synonyms: feeble, ineffectual, cowardly, namby-pamby

"You are spineless, Stephanie." 

I struggled to understand those words. I still struggle. 

Now I don't care if you are male or female, pretty or ugly, fat or skinny, white or black, young or old: you will not enjoy being called a word described by the dictionary as "weak" and "purposeless." No way. Because that hits you at the innermost core of your being. Plain and simple, it strips away your dignity as a self-respecting human being.

Let's rewind. Why was I called spineless? More than once...(Twice to be exact). I'll sum it up for you: Because I don't like saying no. I don't like saying no to you, to her, to him, to them. This has been the case since I was a kid on the playground. See Tracy over there with the Gushers candy? I wouldn't ask her for any if there was even the slightest chance she'd say no. Or what about Jimmy over there with the Pringles. (side note: Wow, thank you to American snackmakers for making children obese!) Anyway, nope, I wouldn't ask him either. Because let's be honest, I'd probably be so embarrassed if heaven forbid someone said no to me. So I've kind of turned that around and applied to how I treat others. Kind of like a golden rule thing: Treat others as you wish to be treated. Well, I don't like hearing "no", so therefore I should minimize saying "no" to others right? Or so I THOUGHT until I got called spineless by "friends." 

Now don't get me wrong, I do say no, and my irrational fear of "no" (both giving and receiving) has decreased dramatically since my playground days...but you know what? I just don't get it. I realize I need to "stand up" for myself and be independent, but I don't understand why the word "spineless" can just be thrown around so casually (actually, I don't think it was so casual--I think it was meant to hurt, but that's a whole separate issue) Say what you want about me being afraid that people won't like me if I say no, which reasonably could be a miniscule factor, but how about, that at the root of things, maybe I actually have good intentions? Good intentions not to hurt others...intentions to treat others as I want to be treated. Maybe you love hearing "no"! Maybe you're sadistic? Who knows. That's you, not me. All I know is how I feel and how I think, and I can only act on that. 

So that's right, I've said yes and gone to events I didn't necessarily want to go to for the sake of supporting a friend. Yes, I've helped someone do something, even if it meant going out of my way a bit. Yes, I'll take a flyer from that person standing in the parking lot and pretend to look at it (because how much does it suck to have to hand out something you don't want to be handing out to people who completely ignore you?) In my opinion, my actions are not spineless or weak: it's realizing that there's more to this life and this world than just ourselves...our goals, our needs, our wants. 

In the main atrium of the Hotel School at Cornell, there's a plaque with a quote from E.M Statler that says, "Life is service--the one who progresses is the one who gives his fellow men a little more, a little better service." In the hospitality industry, among hoteliers and restaurateurs, that's what we live and breathe. In the bigger scheme of things, that's what we, the human race, can call love. And even though putting yourself out there like that is risky because it might lead to hurt (via people not appreciating you or calling you spineless perhaps), it's okay. Why? Tell 'em Sister T: 

"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love"

So it's okay that it hurt me to be called out for trying to do what I thought was right. No one said it was gonna be easy right? Let me end by throwing another quote out there for you (you'll probably start to notice that I like quotes a lot): "The purpose of life is not to be happy--but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you have lived at all." -Leo Rosten

I think this Leo character brings up some good points. And you know what? If you ask me, all of that sounds like exactly the antonym of the word "spineless." 

 -SL

Letters to you: New Beginnings

Dear B,

Do you ever get the feeling that people fill their lives with stuff, just so that they can forget? Or at least so they can escape the reality of their own lives...which can be often boring, often painful, often numbing. 

Well...for the past year...I've stopped writing. Growing up as an only child, I've done a lot of writing in my journal, whether it's "I went to a birthday party and we swam in the pool. It was fun." to "My parents are so unfair, I hate them" (which, by the way, is when I realized that my mom had been reading my journal because she responded to that entry and wrote back to me in MY OWN journal, "But Steph, how will you get into Harvard if you don't study hard?" Wow. Typical Asian parent...but guess what Mom, I didn't even apply to Harvard! Ha! Joke's on you!) So to make a long story short, I liked writing about my thoughts and things that happened. It was nice (and kind of funny) to look back and remember my life, narrated by me, as it was happening. So that brings me back to why I haven't written for the past year. I've stopped wanting to remember. Maybe I was going through a tough year (minus the maybe). Those were the days when I couldn't sit down to write because that meant sit down and face the facts. Reality check. Ha, no thanks. But that's the thing...you can't run away from your own thoughts, you can only hide them away and/or drown them out temporarily. So that's what I did. I'd watch t.v until late enough at night so that as soon as I got into bed, I would fall asleep instead of lie awake with my thoughts. These thoughts usually came in the form of questions to myself: "Are you letting your life slip by? Will you become a big waste of potential? Are you going to be lonely your whole life? Are you always going to be disappointed by others? Is it possible to mess up so bad that whatever it is can never be fixed? Why am I the way I am?"

B, I know you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. I imagine some people's lives are simple. Or maybe everyone is carrying around a load of burdens, worries, fears, scars, regrets on their shoulders. I don't know. But this is my next step. I'm going to write again. Whether it's pretty or ugly, uplifting or depressing. I don't want to say it's a journey of self-discovery because I'm not sure I could ever understand or comprehend myself, but instead I want it to be a journey of growth and new beginnings. No more wanting to forget, no more hiding. Whenever I used to clean my room, my strategy was just to shove everything somewhere it couldn't be seen--under the bed, in the closet, etc. Ha, guess what...my room wasn't very clean; in fact, I think it kind of got worse every time I fake-cleaned. You get the analogy right? Man, I love analogies.

Anyway, we haven't talked in a while, but I hope you are doing well. Don't be upset at the friend you were telling me about ok? Everyone's human and bound to mess up, but they don't always do it intentionally. And even if they do, it might just mean their load of burdens is a little heavier than they can bear by themselves. Life's too short to hold grudges. Hope to hear from you soon..

-SL