"And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know your alive"
-"Iris", Goo Goo Dolls
When was the last time you felt alive? When was the last time you heard beautiful music and closed your eyes to take it all in? When was the last time you laughed so hard, your soul smiled? When was the last time you cried so hard, you didn't think it was physically possible to hurt anymore than you are hurting? When was the last time you realized that this is it: this here is my life, and it's the only one I'm gonna get.
They say, "Change is the only constant in life," but I know for a fact that my body, mind, and heart cringe when I face change. We love the warmth of familiarity. We bask in the comfort of status quo. We are creatures of habit. In college, I'd almost always arrive at class and sit in the same seat even though we didn't have assigned seats. We fall into routines: Mondays through Fridays. 9-5s. Weekly dinners with Grandma. Monthly work events. Basketball games on Tuesday nights. Farmer's market on Saturdays. The list of my habitual routines (is that a redundant phrase?) goes on. Recently, I was trying to remember the date of a specific time that my friends and I went out in Santa Monica, but I could not remember for the life of me when that was...a few months ago? Before New Year's 2008? After? There was absolutely no point of reference in my mind for that night because my life has become a routine, therefore blending most of my days together.
So I don't want to let my life slip away before my very own eyes. I'm almost 24--an age that I'm sure if my 16-year old self could meet my current self, I would've said, "You're so olddddd!!" But I figure, when I'm 30, I'll probably wish I was 24. When I'm 40, I'll wish I was 30, etc etc. The point is, I want to "taste this moment," and I want that to be all I taste: not regretting the past, not living presently in a daze hoping that something/someone will come along and make it all wonderful, and definitely not worrying about where I will be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. "Sooner or later it's over, and I just don't want to miss you tonight." It will be over...most likely sooner than later (or so it'll feel like when we're old and reminiscing), but no need for despair! There is so much in this world to be discovered, so much potential for personal growth to be realized, so many people to establish relationships with, so many extraordinary sights & sounds to absorb....and it doesn't mean we have to check them all off our list, but I do think it means we need to start somewhere. We need to start by opening ourselves up and making a conscious effort to take that first step. Know that you have every right to be happy each and every day. You deserve it. We all do.
So be aware and be present in your life. Don't settle for ordinary. Don't live each day just to get to the next. Do something. Feel something (emotionally--please don't go around touching people and blaming it on me). Basically, do anything to know that yes....we are alive, this is not a dream and it is actually happening. Go to a concert, drive down the coast with the windows down, lie at the park and look at clouds.
Don't be that person who needs to "bleed just to know you're alive." I know my thoughts are all jumbled, and maybe I don't have a clear message or moral of the story. I just know that life is too short to be numb and just fall into routines like robots.
"We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths; in feelings, not figures on a dial. We should count time by heartthrobs." - David Bailey
Live with passion.
-SL
2 comments:
:) liking your entry! Yeah, I totally felt that way (and still do) when I was 22? That I was afraid that I'd be 30 and look back in my life and think... "CRAP! I didn't do anything! Or have done anything worth living!" It's made me take some more leaps and bounds than I would've back in college...or high school for that matter.
Kudos on a wonderful entry! Hope you're out and about living it up! :P
Hey Steph, This is Melissa (from prep...in case you know more than one :P ). I haven't talked to you in a while. Anyhoo, nice entry. You have a great way with words. I too am afraid that I'll turn 30 and go...omg WHERE has my life gone. Heh. In any case, I hope you're having fun!
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