Letters to you: Time to wake up, sleepyhead

Dear K,

Today was kind of a weird day. First of all, there was an earthquake. Second of all, I cried twice at work. Well, it was more like tearing up. Let me explain.

Yes, you've probably heard by now that there was a 5.4 earthquake in L.A today. One headline read, "Earthquake gives L.A a wake-up call." Interesting choice of words. It was probably trying to convey that L.A should be prepared to get one hell of an earthquake sometime in the near future. As technologically advanced as we are nowadays, I guess we still can't predict earthquakes (but apparently we can rest assured that there is a "99% chance that there will be a 6.7 magnitude or greater earthquake in the next 30 years." Awesome. That's probably one of the scariest/slightly vague statistics I've heard in a while. I mean come on...the next 30 years? That's 6 years longer than my whole existence on this planet. Can't you narrow it down a bit?) But anyway, the term "wake-up call" is interesting because it can mean so many different things to so many people. It can mean, "whoah, what am I doing in life?" or "Wow, I should really make sure to do this..." or "I need to appreciate so-and-so more" or "I need to start living and stop worrying" or "If I keep living like this, I'll be sorry." More broadly speaking, it's defined as this: 

Wake-up call (noun) 

figurative- "a person or thing that causes people to become fully alert to an unsatisfactory situation and to take action to remedy it" 

I'm sure you'll agree with me that most wake-up calls are not very pleasant, but unfortunately that's what we need to wake up from our daze. In fact, they could very save us from something much worse. 

Okay, moving on. I'm sure you'll want to know why I was crying (tearing up). Well the first time was because I watched this video on YouTube of Derek Redmond at the 1992 Olympic competing in the 400 meter. Seriously, you'll probably cry too. The whole world watched as this Olympic Athlete fell to the ground from a sudden hamstring injury during the race, only to stagger and get up slowly, refuse medical aid, and continue on. The world looked on as his father ran onto the track, undeterred by security, to be a shoulder for his son to lean on as he limped to finish the race. We all saw the pain, disappointment, and utter devastation in Derek's face as he cried with his father's arm wrapped around him. One of the most poignant scenes in sports history. 

The second reason I cried (really, I only teared up) was because of more personal reasons. Just overall sadness for what once was good, but now is nonexistent. That stuff gets me emotional, you know? It's just hard when your heart was tied up in something. 

One time, when I was at Heathrow airport in London on my way to studying abroad in Barcelona, I met a girl that was headed to Paris to finish her Master's. She had also studied abroad before, and then she offered me this advice, "You will just have to learn to laugh at yourself." 

This brief conversation was two and a half years ago that took place on a different continent with a complete stranger who just happened to cross paths with me that day. But you know what, she's right. Sometimes it's okay to laugh, even if it seems like my life is soo dramatic (ha) and I should to be crying. 

So there was my day in a nutshell. 3 wake-up calls:

1. Earthquake- We have to be as prepared as we can be (anything can happen at any time)

2. 1992 Olympics- Even if we've prepared for something doesn't mean it'll go as planned or have a happy ending, but that doesn't mean we can just give up. 

3. My personal issue- After all things said and done, we shouldn't take ourselves too seriously. 

Hope you are doing well. Talk to you soon when you get back home...

-SL

Journeys: Ready to go

"And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

Cause sooner or later it's over

I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah, you bleed just to know your alive"

-"Iris", Goo Goo Dolls

When was the last time you felt alive? When was the last time you heard beautiful music and closed your eyes to take it all in? When was the last time you laughed so hard, your soul smiled? When was the last time you cried so hard, you didn't think it was physically possible to hurt anymore than you are hurting? When was the last time you realized that this is it: this here is my life, and it's the only one I'm gonna get.

They say, "Change is the only constant in life," but I know for a fact that my body, mind, and heart cringe when I face change. We love the warmth of familiarity. We bask in the comfort of status quo. We are creatures of habit. In college, I'd almost always arrive at class and sit in the same seat even though we didn't have assigned seats. We fall into routines: Mondays through Fridays. 9-5s. Weekly dinners with Grandma. Monthly work events. Basketball games on Tuesday nights. Farmer's market on Saturdays. The list of my habitual routines (is that a redundant phrase?) goes on. Recently, I was trying to remember the date of a specific time that my friends and I went out in Santa Monica, but I could not remember for the life of me when that was...a few months ago? Before New Year's 2008? After? There was absolutely no point of reference in my mind for that night because my life has become a routine, therefore blending most of my days together.

So I don't want to let my life slip away before my very own eyes. I'm almost 24--an age that I'm sure if my 16-year old self could meet my current self, I would've said, "You're so olddddd!!" But I figure, when I'm 30, I'll probably wish I was 24. When I'm 40, I'll wish I was 30, etc etc.  The point is, I want to "taste this moment," and I want that to be all I taste: not regretting the past, not living presently in a daze hoping that something/someone will come along and make it all wonderful, and definitely not worrying about where I will be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. "Sooner or later it's over, and I just don't want to miss you tonight." It will be over...most likely sooner than later (or so it'll feel like when we're old and reminiscing), but no need for despair! There is so much in this world to be discovered, so much potential for personal growth to be realized, so many people to establish relationships with, so many extraordinary sights & sounds to absorb....and it doesn't mean we have to check them all off our list, but I do think it means we need to start somewhere. We need to start by opening ourselves up and making a conscious effort to take that first step. Know that you have every right to be happy each and every day. You deserve it. We all do. 

So be aware and be present in your life. Don't settle for ordinary. Don't live each day just to get to the next. Do something. Feel something (emotionally--please don't go around touching people and blaming it on me). Basically, do anything to know that yes....we are alive, this is not a dream and it is actually happening. Go to a concert, drive down the coast with the windows down, lie at the park and look at clouds. 

Don't be that person who needs to "bleed just to know you're alive." I know my thoughts are all jumbled, and maybe I don't have a clear message or moral of the story. I just know that life is too short to be numb and just fall into routines like robots.  

"We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths; in feelings, not figures on a dial. We should count time by heartthrobs." - David Bailey

Live with passion.

-SL

Casual Fridays: A side of Jellyfish, please

Spineless. 

adjective

1. Having no spine or backbone; invertebrate

-figurative (of a person) lacking resolution; weak and purposeless; a spineless coward

synonyms: feeble, ineffectual, cowardly, namby-pamby

"You are spineless, Stephanie." 

I struggled to understand those words. I still struggle. 

Now I don't care if you are male or female, pretty or ugly, fat or skinny, white or black, young or old: you will not enjoy being called a word described by the dictionary as "weak" and "purposeless." No way. Because that hits you at the innermost core of your being. Plain and simple, it strips away your dignity as a self-respecting human being.

Let's rewind. Why was I called spineless? More than once...(Twice to be exact). I'll sum it up for you: Because I don't like saying no. I don't like saying no to you, to her, to him, to them. This has been the case since I was a kid on the playground. See Tracy over there with the Gushers candy? I wouldn't ask her for any if there was even the slightest chance she'd say no. Or what about Jimmy over there with the Pringles. (side note: Wow, thank you to American snackmakers for making children obese!) Anyway, nope, I wouldn't ask him either. Because let's be honest, I'd probably be so embarrassed if heaven forbid someone said no to me. So I've kind of turned that around and applied to how I treat others. Kind of like a golden rule thing: Treat others as you wish to be treated. Well, I don't like hearing "no", so therefore I should minimize saying "no" to others right? Or so I THOUGHT until I got called spineless by "friends." 

Now don't get me wrong, I do say no, and my irrational fear of "no" (both giving and receiving) has decreased dramatically since my playground days...but you know what? I just don't get it. I realize I need to "stand up" for myself and be independent, but I don't understand why the word "spineless" can just be thrown around so casually (actually, I don't think it was so casual--I think it was meant to hurt, but that's a whole separate issue) Say what you want about me being afraid that people won't like me if I say no, which reasonably could be a miniscule factor, but how about, that at the root of things, maybe I actually have good intentions? Good intentions not to hurt others...intentions to treat others as I want to be treated. Maybe you love hearing "no"! Maybe you're sadistic? Who knows. That's you, not me. All I know is how I feel and how I think, and I can only act on that. 

So that's right, I've said yes and gone to events I didn't necessarily want to go to for the sake of supporting a friend. Yes, I've helped someone do something, even if it meant going out of my way a bit. Yes, I'll take a flyer from that person standing in the parking lot and pretend to look at it (because how much does it suck to have to hand out something you don't want to be handing out to people who completely ignore you?) In my opinion, my actions are not spineless or weak: it's realizing that there's more to this life and this world than just ourselves...our goals, our needs, our wants. 

In the main atrium of the Hotel School at Cornell, there's a plaque with a quote from E.M Statler that says, "Life is service--the one who progresses is the one who gives his fellow men a little more, a little better service." In the hospitality industry, among hoteliers and restaurateurs, that's what we live and breathe. In the bigger scheme of things, that's what we, the human race, can call love. And even though putting yourself out there like that is risky because it might lead to hurt (via people not appreciating you or calling you spineless perhaps), it's okay. Why? Tell 'em Sister T: 

"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love"

So it's okay that it hurt me to be called out for trying to do what I thought was right. No one said it was gonna be easy right? Let me end by throwing another quote out there for you (you'll probably start to notice that I like quotes a lot): "The purpose of life is not to be happy--but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you have lived at all." -Leo Rosten

I think this Leo character brings up some good points. And you know what? If you ask me, all of that sounds like exactly the antonym of the word "spineless." 

 -SL

Letters to you: New Beginnings

Dear B,

Do you ever get the feeling that people fill their lives with stuff, just so that they can forget? Or at least so they can escape the reality of their own lives...which can be often boring, often painful, often numbing. 

Well...for the past year...I've stopped writing. Growing up as an only child, I've done a lot of writing in my journal, whether it's "I went to a birthday party and we swam in the pool. It was fun." to "My parents are so unfair, I hate them" (which, by the way, is when I realized that my mom had been reading my journal because she responded to that entry and wrote back to me in MY OWN journal, "But Steph, how will you get into Harvard if you don't study hard?" Wow. Typical Asian parent...but guess what Mom, I didn't even apply to Harvard! Ha! Joke's on you!) So to make a long story short, I liked writing about my thoughts and things that happened. It was nice (and kind of funny) to look back and remember my life, narrated by me, as it was happening. So that brings me back to why I haven't written for the past year. I've stopped wanting to remember. Maybe I was going through a tough year (minus the maybe). Those were the days when I couldn't sit down to write because that meant sit down and face the facts. Reality check. Ha, no thanks. But that's the thing...you can't run away from your own thoughts, you can only hide them away and/or drown them out temporarily. So that's what I did. I'd watch t.v until late enough at night so that as soon as I got into bed, I would fall asleep instead of lie awake with my thoughts. These thoughts usually came in the form of questions to myself: "Are you letting your life slip by? Will you become a big waste of potential? Are you going to be lonely your whole life? Are you always going to be disappointed by others? Is it possible to mess up so bad that whatever it is can never be fixed? Why am I the way I am?"

B, I know you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. I imagine some people's lives are simple. Or maybe everyone is carrying around a load of burdens, worries, fears, scars, regrets on their shoulders. I don't know. But this is my next step. I'm going to write again. Whether it's pretty or ugly, uplifting or depressing. I don't want to say it's a journey of self-discovery because I'm not sure I could ever understand or comprehend myself, but instead I want it to be a journey of growth and new beginnings. No more wanting to forget, no more hiding. Whenever I used to clean my room, my strategy was just to shove everything somewhere it couldn't be seen--under the bed, in the closet, etc. Ha, guess what...my room wasn't very clean; in fact, I think it kind of got worse every time I fake-cleaned. You get the analogy right? Man, I love analogies.

Anyway, we haven't talked in a while, but I hope you are doing well. Don't be upset at the friend you were telling me about ok? Everyone's human and bound to mess up, but they don't always do it intentionally. And even if they do, it might just mean their load of burdens is a little heavier than they can bear by themselves. Life's too short to hold grudges. Hope to hear from you soon..

-SL