Journeys: Speedracer

"Have you been working a lot? You look tired."

Never the words I like to hear. From anyone. Especially the lady that does my hair. "Uh, yeah, yeah..." I mumbled, "Busy." 

Maybe she was just repeating what I had told her earlier--that the reason I hadn't come to see her more frequently in the past 6 months wasn't because I was using another hair stylist, but just simply because I haven't had the time. Maybe her eyesight is just bad. I mean after all, she isn't exactly the youngest gal on the block if you know what I'm saying. 

Okay. Alright, okay. I looked tired because I was tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. I sped through 2008 on overdrive. Running towards the bright future? More like, running away from a past that's still sprinkled throughout my mind. Creating distance, making new friends, joining new activities, establishing new routines, shedding the old...one piece at a time. 

It's funny how life does that to you...with each experience you go through, you gain something...something called perspective. After each blow, each loss, each disappointment, each failure, you sure don't walk away empty-handed. It's too easy to just forget and move on. You get a couple of Hey-Thanks-For-Playing prizes. Maybe it's a slice of humble pie. Maybe it's a newfound sense of appreciation for something or someone. Maybe it's a "Well, now I know" kind of attitude. It may even be thicker skin or a stronger self-defense mechanism. Whatever it is, we're not quite the same as we were before. For most of us, not only do we gain something new, we also begin accumulating something old called baggage. Souvenirs, if you will. 

I close my eyes. I'm ready. I'm so ready. For nights like these, for nights when I sit in my room and breathe slowly, so that I feel my heart beating, sometimes aching. So that it doesn't escape me for even a minute that I am very much alive. That each moment of my life was indeed real and it all happened in its rightful place in history--my history. And it's nights like these, that even though I often only mention the down times, I feel some sort of satisfaction knowing that all of it is mine. They're my memories, good and bad, and no one can take them away from me. They're my life experiences, my stories. 

And that's when I start to realize that the past can't hurt me anymore. I look in the rearview mirror and see things pop up once in a while and I might flinch, but then I realize it slowly fades away into the background. I might not forget, and I might not lose those souvenirs, but I'm not held captive anymore either. I can now enjoy inner peace, smile, and dream again. 

   

In reality, I've only have 2 really rough patches in my life. I've been incredibly blessed, I truly have, but I've also had to learn some tough lessons during those rough patches. 

Maybe those are really blessings too. 

Looks like I may not need to be in such a rush anymore. But just to be safe, I'll make sure to catch some extra zzz's before I go to another hair appointment.

-SL

Fwd:RE:RE: (no subject)

"Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain

Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty

You can't live

This way too long

There's more than this

More than this

Have you been standing on your own feet too long

Have you been looking for a place where you belong

You can rest

You will find rest

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered

Have you been giving in to all these masquerades, it will be gone

Let this old life crumble

Let it fade

Let this new life offered be your saving grace

Let this old life crumble

Let it fade"

-Jeremy Camp "Let it Fade"

Do you ever feel like the world is too loud sometimes? It seems like everyone is shouting, hoping that their shouts are louder than the next person's. I don't think it hit me until just now, but I am completely overwhelmed by the over-saturation of media in my life. The economy, the presidential campaigns, the propositions. I am inundated with how many hundreds of points the Dow has gone up one day and back down the next. I can't drive a single mile without hearing Vote Yes on Number X on the radio and simultaneously passing by a yard with Vote No on Number X sign. Then there's McCain this, Obama that. It's everywhere, every moment, and I'm not saying these are not real and relevant issues because of course they are, but I am simply just overwhelmed. 

Lately I've been overwhelmed with other things as well, mainly just my daily routines and responsibilities. Obviously I've not had a chance to update my blog, much less even remember the fact that I have a blog. Yet beyond all these things that are happening all around me, I'm thinking about my own life, my own journey. The song above really captures what is going on in my heart/mind. 

As I considered the questions asked in the song, and as I self-diagnosed the over-saturation of media in my life, a word popped in my head loud and clear: solitude. So then, obviously, I googled the word "solitude" and found this article:

Solitude vs. Loneliness by Hara Estroff Marano

"As the world spins faster and faster--or maybe it just seems that way when an email can travel around the world in fractions of a second--we mortals need a variety of ways to cope with the resulting pressures. We need to maintain some semblance of balance..."

"Otherwise we feel overloaded, overreact to minor annoyances and feel like we can never catch up. As far as I'm concerned, one of the best ways is by seeking, and enjoying, solitude.

From the outside, solitude and loneliness look a lot alike. Both are characterized by solitariness. But all resemblance ends at the surface.

Loneliness is a negative state, marked by a sense of isolation. One feels that something is missing. It is possible to be with people and still feel lonely.

Solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely. It is a positive and constructive state of engagement with oneself. 

Solitude is a time that can be used for reflection, inner searching or growth or enjoyment of some kind. 

Solitude suggests peacefulness stemming from a state of inner richness. It is a means of enjoying the quiet and whatever it brings that is satisfying and from which we draw sustenance.

Solitude is refreshing; an opportunity to renew ourselves. In other words, it replenishes us. 

Solitude gives us a chance to regain perspective. It renews us for the challenges of life." 

I think I'm ready for some solitude...

Journeys: Here comes the bride...

I had just finished brushing my teeth and was getting ready to go to bed when I heard my mom call my name. I just told her a second ago how tired I was--what did she want now? Apparently, my parents' wedding video is now available on DVD, courtesy of Costco's wonderful services. So I sat down and watched...in amazement and slight horror.

It was quite amusing to see my parents and relatives with their big hair, in their 80's outfits (which is totally in now, by the way.) My dad looked like he was too cool for school (Ha, OK dad..). I saw my cousin Danny, who was a little kid, and now he's 30 and getting married next month. Crazy. What really struck me--the main reason I even thought of writing this entry--was my mom. Growing up, I've always believed that I was the complete opposite of my mom. She had health issues as a child; I was a perfectly healthy child. She did not participate in sports; I absolutely love playing/watching sports. She's very girly; I'm not as much. Anyway, you get the point. When I was a kid, I was extremely close to my mom. I thought my dad was a meanie. My mom and I went shopping after school, and I always deemed her my "favorite" parent. Then somewhere along the way, we grew apart, because I (was a teenager) and began being very critical of her. Why aren't you like the other moms? Why do you always do this/that? Ugh, you don't understand me at all! Like seriously, why can't she be like that Gilmore mom? Or at least someone who's nice and bakes warm apple pies. Anyway, then high school came, along with her reminding (bugging) me about studying, piano, etc etc, which made me resent her even more. As a child I adored her, but as an adolescent, I questioned and critized her. How could she say something like that? How could she think something like that? I even went as far as to tell her that, had we been classmates in another world/lifetime, I wouldn't be her friend. (I meant to say it in a mean way, but I realized I just end up sounding really immature). I found that as I got older, I often told myself--I don't want to be like her when I grow up. This is what I'm going to do differently, as a mom/wife/whatever. This is how I'm going to be different. 

So this brings us to the climax of the story. I was absolutely stunned when I saw her in the video because something was oddly familiar. I realized right away that it was familiar because I saw myself in her mannerisms. I couldn't believe it. Her voice even sounded like mine, which was crazy, because her voice now doesn't sound anything like mine now. My mom, who I've always thought as a complete opposite person from me, was on that tv screen, at age 28, acting and sounding like me. I'm like my mom? Go figure.

I'm not so different...I'm not so special. I think maybe every generation thinks they are something really great, they scoff at the old-timers, laughing at how out-of-date they are, how uncool they were. But we forget...we're just one season, one batch, just like all the other ones that have come before us. We may be different, but we ain't that different. I was born and raised here; my parents weren't. We have a culture gap, age gap, heck--even language gap. Yet, perhaps I am not so different from them. After all, I am part my mom, part my dad. I can't escape that. We've learned in our classes that we study history because it's the story of our past, and our past is often what dictates our future. 

I mentioned in my first or second entry that writing for me, as it is for many, is kind of a journey. It's a process of self-discovery and finding out your own identity, which is something that I believe keeps evolving. Watching my parent's wedding video was funny, but it struck another chord as well: how it relates to me. It also reminds me not to be so critical of my parents. They've aged so much since the time of their wedding, they've battled through so much since then, and life just goes by way too fast. Someday, that'll be me on the DVD (if those haven't gone obsolete by then), and it'll be my kids seeing a little bit of me in them. 

"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child. For what is the worth of human life, unless it is woven into the life of our ancestors by the records of history?" -Cicero.

Letters to You: Better Days

Dear J,

Sometimes, especially on days like today, I get the feeling that life is kind of like Minesweeper. We're faced with a grid of blank squares, and we carefully choose a square at a time, hoping we don't click on a mine. 

Specifically, I'm talking about tragedies hitting close to home. Growing up, I've heard of things happening, but always a few degrees separated from me. Post-high school these "things" crept a degree closer, and post-college they tiptoed just that much closer. Just like Minesweeper, these terrible things always seem to catch you by surprise. 

Do you know why I hate cliches? I hate cliches because by definition they are phrases that are overused, yet they are only overused because they are actually true. Thus,  there's usually no way around using them because the words say it like it is. What a Catch 22. 

I didn't know him very well, like you did, but it's still all I can think about right now. It hit me that he and I may not have had that much in common, but we all share one thing: our humanity. So while I don't know his personal circumstances, I know what it's like to be in a dark place...a place I was sure no one else could ever comprehend, devoid of hope and meaning. A place where pain choked out the other emotions like weeds did to plants in a garden. A place that screamed, "It will never be okay." Was any of it rational? Most likely not, but when are we ever rational when it comes to our own lives, our heart, our thoughts, and our emotions? But I was able to get out of that place. He didn't. That's what is so heartbreaking--to see someone lose that battle. 

When something like this happens, I get so upset that everything on reality tv nowadays portrays such a superficial life. Let's be honest: Reality makes reality tv look trivial and shallow. But at the same time, I am more guilty than anyone for watching because at the end of the day, sometimes reality is too overwhelming that I watch fake reality to trick my mind into thinking that life could be so effortless and serious-problem free. 

I pray for true peace and comfort for you and anyone and everyone who had a part in his life.

-SL

 

"And you ask me what I want this year

And I try to make it kind and clear

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings

And designer love and empty things

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words

And sing out loud

Cause everyone is forgiven now

Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I need someplace where we could live

And that's only something You can give

And that's faith and peace and trust while we're alive

And the one poor child who saved this world

And there's probably 10 million more who probably could

If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

I wish everyone was loved tonight

And somehow stop this endless fight

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words

And sing out loud

Cause everyone's forgiven now

Cause tonight's the night the world begins again"

-"Better Days" Goo Goo Dolls

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:7

Sunday Fundays: Olympic Dreaming

I was excited for this year's Olympics. To be honest, I have never been very excited for the Olympics. As a huge sports fan, I realize that may seem weird. I think it was mostly because it involved many sports I don't even watch--gymnastics, swimming, cycling, weightlifting (I mean, come on..really??) But I think I'm starting to get it now. For example, I don't know what to look for in gymnastics in terms of scoring, but I do know that what they're doing required blood, sweat, and tears. I know that all of their hard work and practice comes down to one chance and one moment in front of the whole world. And I appreciate their passion and their journey in pursuit of their goals and dreams. 

Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's not, but I've always had these dreams where I'm someone great, or I'm someone doing something great. For some of these Olympians, they had a dream, and they are living it right now in Beijing. I'm 24 now, how many of my dreams are realistic anymore? When I was a kid, it was okay to have these absurd yet beautiful dreams because at the time, I didn't know any better. There was hope that it could happen because hey, anything can happen. But what happens when we grow up? What do we dream about now? "Oh, when I grow up, I want to be a 35 year old soccer mom?" "I want a 9-5 job with 2 weeks vacation a year!" I don't know...

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, how do I deal with mediocrity? How do I accept that in this one life we have to live, I will never be some of the things I've dreamed of being? Depressing huh? 

And then I realize that I'm looking at it all wrong. I will have a lot of misery in my life if I think like that. It's the classic mistake of looking at everything I don't have and not realizing the worth of everything I do have. In a world where nothing's promised--not riches, not success, not even the breath in our lungs, we have to appreciate the beauty of simple, ordinary things. We can find joy in our lives no matter how unglamorous it seems compared to what we had hoped for. We may not be winning gold medals for our country, but we can still be doing something meaningful with our lives. I'm not even going to say, "Okay everyone, let's make a difference in someone's life!" How about we settle for making a difference in someone's day for starters? Telling a joke to get a smile, offering an ear to listen, saying words to comfort, extending a hand to help out. It's not about the fame and glory like I had originally dreamed of as a kid. It should be about who I am and what I do--not only when the world is watching, but especially when the world's not watching. 

Maybe the theme of my 24th year of life is becoming less concerned with myself (aka being less self-centered) and loving others more. It'll probably require some blood, sweat, and tears because, let's be honest, it's probably a lot easier said than done. But hey, so is winning 8 gold medals right? 

Journeys: 525,600 minutes..How do you measure a year?

"2008 is certainly an easier year for you than was the case in the second half of 2006 and throughout much of 2007, dear Leo. This year, you find more joy in your daily routines."

I'm not a follower of astrology, but this one--come on! This one hit a little too close to home. 

A birthday, in my mind, is kind of similar to New Year's Day. It serves as a reminder that a year has gone by. It's a time to reflect on what has occurred, and it's a time to look ahead and think of what one hopes to occur. 

Last year, I was sad on my birthday. I think it was my first sad birthday in life. I was sad because I was lost and lonely. I was in a transition phase, and I was experiencing growing pains. I was 8 months out of college with no real sense of where I wanted to go, but afraid to take a wrong step, so I ended up taking no steps. I had broken relationships with friends and family: I was no longer connected to college friends because of the distance, and I had alienated and hurt my childhood friends because I betrayed their trust. On top of that, I had an extremely rocky relationship with my parents. Lastly, I was at war within myself. 

So my birthday came and went. On the day of, I received minimal birthday wishes. Some here, some there. I had been forgotten. There's few things that can feel as deeply cutting as being forgotten on your birthday, the very day you were brought into the world--basically a day of celebration for your existence in life. Just a year before, I was on top of the world. I couldn't help but think, "How did it get to this point?"

Not long after that (2 days to be exact), I left for a trip to Asia. I was a "coach" for high schoolers from all over California participating in a cross-cultural leadership training program called Project Ascent. We visited various cities (Hong Kong, Xian, Beijing, Tianjin) and did various activities (met with trouble teens at a HK high school, visited a village school and their homes, interacted with well-educated Chinese high school students, and visited an orphanage for disabled children). Throughout the trip, I felt rejuvenated. I felt alive again. I formed relationships with the high school kids--meaningful ones. We shared unique experiences with each other. We leaned on each other for support and took care of one another when someone got sick (Well, actually the coaches took care of the kids when they were sick). We made each other laugh and explored the new culture together.  It was one of the best trips of my life. I watched the kids grow so much throughout the trip, and I offered advice in guidance when I could. I went to sleep with peace, and I woke up with excitement. Can't ask for anything better than that. 

This year, I had a great birthday. I felt good. I think about everyone who had wished me a happy birthday today, and they are literally from all my walks of life: my friends from Cornell, my Project Ascent kiddies, family members, Evergreeners, basketball teammates, high school classmates, old colleagues, current colleagues, and of course my best friends. I'm not saying I need to "feel good" about myself, but I think the point I'm making is that...I see a difference from last year. The difference is that this past year, I took the time to develop and grow relationships. I put in time and effort into people that I care about, and I think that's something that as humans, we can sense from one another. I found joy in friends again. I took steps forward instead of being afraid. This past year, I went on an amazing trip, started a new job (9 months and counting!), started BSF, rebuilt old friendships, made new friends, and basically tried put myself out there and lay it all out. I think it's when I stopped being self-centered that I actually felt happy and free again. If I sound like I'm patting myself on the back right now, I'm not trying to. I'm just happy that I learned a big lesson and was able to climb my way back out of the hole I dug myself into. I'm just thankful for everyone in my life. "Nothing in this life worth fighting for is easy."

I'm 24! And as I post this, another year has officially come and gone...

Letters to you: Time to wake up, sleepyhead

Dear K,

Today was kind of a weird day. First of all, there was an earthquake. Second of all, I cried twice at work. Well, it was more like tearing up. Let me explain.

Yes, you've probably heard by now that there was a 5.4 earthquake in L.A today. One headline read, "Earthquake gives L.A a wake-up call." Interesting choice of words. It was probably trying to convey that L.A should be prepared to get one hell of an earthquake sometime in the near future. As technologically advanced as we are nowadays, I guess we still can't predict earthquakes (but apparently we can rest assured that there is a "99% chance that there will be a 6.7 magnitude or greater earthquake in the next 30 years." Awesome. That's probably one of the scariest/slightly vague statistics I've heard in a while. I mean come on...the next 30 years? That's 6 years longer than my whole existence on this planet. Can't you narrow it down a bit?) But anyway, the term "wake-up call" is interesting because it can mean so many different things to so many people. It can mean, "whoah, what am I doing in life?" or "Wow, I should really make sure to do this..." or "I need to appreciate so-and-so more" or "I need to start living and stop worrying" or "If I keep living like this, I'll be sorry." More broadly speaking, it's defined as this: 

Wake-up call (noun) 

figurative- "a person or thing that causes people to become fully alert to an unsatisfactory situation and to take action to remedy it" 

I'm sure you'll agree with me that most wake-up calls are not very pleasant, but unfortunately that's what we need to wake up from our daze. In fact, they could very save us from something much worse. 

Okay, moving on. I'm sure you'll want to know why I was crying (tearing up). Well the first time was because I watched this video on YouTube of Derek Redmond at the 1992 Olympic competing in the 400 meter. Seriously, you'll probably cry too. The whole world watched as this Olympic Athlete fell to the ground from a sudden hamstring injury during the race, only to stagger and get up slowly, refuse medical aid, and continue on. The world looked on as his father ran onto the track, undeterred by security, to be a shoulder for his son to lean on as he limped to finish the race. We all saw the pain, disappointment, and utter devastation in Derek's face as he cried with his father's arm wrapped around him. One of the most poignant scenes in sports history. 

The second reason I cried (really, I only teared up) was because of more personal reasons. Just overall sadness for what once was good, but now is nonexistent. That stuff gets me emotional, you know? It's just hard when your heart was tied up in something. 

One time, when I was at Heathrow airport in London on my way to studying abroad in Barcelona, I met a girl that was headed to Paris to finish her Master's. She had also studied abroad before, and then she offered me this advice, "You will just have to learn to laugh at yourself." 

This brief conversation was two and a half years ago that took place on a different continent with a complete stranger who just happened to cross paths with me that day. But you know what, she's right. Sometimes it's okay to laugh, even if it seems like my life is soo dramatic (ha) and I should to be crying. 

So there was my day in a nutshell. 3 wake-up calls:

1. Earthquake- We have to be as prepared as we can be (anything can happen at any time)

2. 1992 Olympics- Even if we've prepared for something doesn't mean it'll go as planned or have a happy ending, but that doesn't mean we can just give up. 

3. My personal issue- After all things said and done, we shouldn't take ourselves too seriously. 

Hope you are doing well. Talk to you soon when you get back home...

-SL