Letters to You: Better Days

Dear J,

Sometimes, especially on days like today, I get the feeling that life is kind of like Minesweeper. We're faced with a grid of blank squares, and we carefully choose a square at a time, hoping we don't click on a mine. 

Specifically, I'm talking about tragedies hitting close to home. Growing up, I've heard of things happening, but always a few degrees separated from me. Post-high school these "things" crept a degree closer, and post-college they tiptoed just that much closer. Just like Minesweeper, these terrible things always seem to catch you by surprise. 

Do you know why I hate cliches? I hate cliches because by definition they are phrases that are overused, yet they are only overused because they are actually true. Thus,  there's usually no way around using them because the words say it like it is. What a Catch 22. 

I didn't know him very well, like you did, but it's still all I can think about right now. It hit me that he and I may not have had that much in common, but we all share one thing: our humanity. So while I don't know his personal circumstances, I know what it's like to be in a dark place...a place I was sure no one else could ever comprehend, devoid of hope and meaning. A place where pain choked out the other emotions like weeds did to plants in a garden. A place that screamed, "It will never be okay." Was any of it rational? Most likely not, but when are we ever rational when it comes to our own lives, our heart, our thoughts, and our emotions? But I was able to get out of that place. He didn't. That's what is so heartbreaking--to see someone lose that battle. 

When something like this happens, I get so upset that everything on reality tv nowadays portrays such a superficial life. Let's be honest: Reality makes reality tv look trivial and shallow. But at the same time, I am more guilty than anyone for watching because at the end of the day, sometimes reality is too overwhelming that I watch fake reality to trick my mind into thinking that life could be so effortless and serious-problem free. 

I pray for true peace and comfort for you and anyone and everyone who had a part in his life.

-SL

 

"And you ask me what I want this year

And I try to make it kind and clear

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings

And designer love and empty things

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words

And sing out loud

Cause everyone is forgiven now

Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I need someplace where we could live

And that's only something You can give

And that's faith and peace and trust while we're alive

And the one poor child who saved this world

And there's probably 10 million more who probably could

If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

I wish everyone was loved tonight

And somehow stop this endless fight

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words

And sing out loud

Cause everyone's forgiven now

Cause tonight's the night the world begins again"

-"Better Days" Goo Goo Dolls

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:7

Sunday Fundays: Olympic Dreaming

I was excited for this year's Olympics. To be honest, I have never been very excited for the Olympics. As a huge sports fan, I realize that may seem weird. I think it was mostly because it involved many sports I don't even watch--gymnastics, swimming, cycling, weightlifting (I mean, come on..really??) But I think I'm starting to get it now. For example, I don't know what to look for in gymnastics in terms of scoring, but I do know that what they're doing required blood, sweat, and tears. I know that all of their hard work and practice comes down to one chance and one moment in front of the whole world. And I appreciate their passion and their journey in pursuit of their goals and dreams. 

Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's not, but I've always had these dreams where I'm someone great, or I'm someone doing something great. For some of these Olympians, they had a dream, and they are living it right now in Beijing. I'm 24 now, how many of my dreams are realistic anymore? When I was a kid, it was okay to have these absurd yet beautiful dreams because at the time, I didn't know any better. There was hope that it could happen because hey, anything can happen. But what happens when we grow up? What do we dream about now? "Oh, when I grow up, I want to be a 35 year old soccer mom?" "I want a 9-5 job with 2 weeks vacation a year!" I don't know...

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, how do I deal with mediocrity? How do I accept that in this one life we have to live, I will never be some of the things I've dreamed of being? Depressing huh? 

And then I realize that I'm looking at it all wrong. I will have a lot of misery in my life if I think like that. It's the classic mistake of looking at everything I don't have and not realizing the worth of everything I do have. In a world where nothing's promised--not riches, not success, not even the breath in our lungs, we have to appreciate the beauty of simple, ordinary things. We can find joy in our lives no matter how unglamorous it seems compared to what we had hoped for. We may not be winning gold medals for our country, but we can still be doing something meaningful with our lives. I'm not even going to say, "Okay everyone, let's make a difference in someone's life!" How about we settle for making a difference in someone's day for starters? Telling a joke to get a smile, offering an ear to listen, saying words to comfort, extending a hand to help out. It's not about the fame and glory like I had originally dreamed of as a kid. It should be about who I am and what I do--not only when the world is watching, but especially when the world's not watching. 

Maybe the theme of my 24th year of life is becoming less concerned with myself (aka being less self-centered) and loving others more. It'll probably require some blood, sweat, and tears because, let's be honest, it's probably a lot easier said than done. But hey, so is winning 8 gold medals right? 

Journeys: 525,600 minutes..How do you measure a year?

"2008 is certainly an easier year for you than was the case in the second half of 2006 and throughout much of 2007, dear Leo. This year, you find more joy in your daily routines."

I'm not a follower of astrology, but this one--come on! This one hit a little too close to home. 

A birthday, in my mind, is kind of similar to New Year's Day. It serves as a reminder that a year has gone by. It's a time to reflect on what has occurred, and it's a time to look ahead and think of what one hopes to occur. 

Last year, I was sad on my birthday. I think it was my first sad birthday in life. I was sad because I was lost and lonely. I was in a transition phase, and I was experiencing growing pains. I was 8 months out of college with no real sense of where I wanted to go, but afraid to take a wrong step, so I ended up taking no steps. I had broken relationships with friends and family: I was no longer connected to college friends because of the distance, and I had alienated and hurt my childhood friends because I betrayed their trust. On top of that, I had an extremely rocky relationship with my parents. Lastly, I was at war within myself. 

So my birthday came and went. On the day of, I received minimal birthday wishes. Some here, some there. I had been forgotten. There's few things that can feel as deeply cutting as being forgotten on your birthday, the very day you were brought into the world--basically a day of celebration for your existence in life. Just a year before, I was on top of the world. I couldn't help but think, "How did it get to this point?"

Not long after that (2 days to be exact), I left for a trip to Asia. I was a "coach" for high schoolers from all over California participating in a cross-cultural leadership training program called Project Ascent. We visited various cities (Hong Kong, Xian, Beijing, Tianjin) and did various activities (met with trouble teens at a HK high school, visited a village school and their homes, interacted with well-educated Chinese high school students, and visited an orphanage for disabled children). Throughout the trip, I felt rejuvenated. I felt alive again. I formed relationships with the high school kids--meaningful ones. We shared unique experiences with each other. We leaned on each other for support and took care of one another when someone got sick (Well, actually the coaches took care of the kids when they were sick). We made each other laugh and explored the new culture together.  It was one of the best trips of my life. I watched the kids grow so much throughout the trip, and I offered advice in guidance when I could. I went to sleep with peace, and I woke up with excitement. Can't ask for anything better than that. 

This year, I had a great birthday. I felt good. I think about everyone who had wished me a happy birthday today, and they are literally from all my walks of life: my friends from Cornell, my Project Ascent kiddies, family members, Evergreeners, basketball teammates, high school classmates, old colleagues, current colleagues, and of course my best friends. I'm not saying I need to "feel good" about myself, but I think the point I'm making is that...I see a difference from last year. The difference is that this past year, I took the time to develop and grow relationships. I put in time and effort into people that I care about, and I think that's something that as humans, we can sense from one another. I found joy in friends again. I took steps forward instead of being afraid. This past year, I went on an amazing trip, started a new job (9 months and counting!), started BSF, rebuilt old friendships, made new friends, and basically tried put myself out there and lay it all out. I think it's when I stopped being self-centered that I actually felt happy and free again. If I sound like I'm patting myself on the back right now, I'm not trying to. I'm just happy that I learned a big lesson and was able to climb my way back out of the hole I dug myself into. I'm just thankful for everyone in my life. "Nothing in this life worth fighting for is easy."

I'm 24! And as I post this, another year has officially come and gone...