Hello again

I've never been able to fill an entire journal. I've started each of my journals with good intentions. Intentions to be honest and consistent. After every entry, I'd feel a sense of pride and accomplishment and think to myself, "that felt good. I should do it more often." Kind of like going to the gym.

Although I've been the busiest I've ever been in my entire life the past couple of years, I can't definitively say that my schedule is the only thing keeping me from writing. Writing is hard. It's scary. It's like opening up a can of worms. Once I write something, it means I've acknowledged it--it's real. Of course the times I'm most prompted to write are the times when I have things on my mind, burdens on my shoulder. I don't feel an urge to write when life is smooth sailing.

I used to be scared of uncertainty. I still am actually, but not as much. That's because certainty has also become scary to me. When the future is unknown, there is still hope. There is still imagination. There is room. When things are certain, it is comforting on one hand but much less potentially glamorous on the other.

When I was younger, I thought I wanted to act. The idea of pretending to be someone else in a controlled setting where there is a narrated beginning, middle, and end. What's not to like? Because maybe I am afraid of being myself. Afraid of discovering things about myself. What if I don't like the person I am? What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm destined to be mediocre? What if I have this flaw or that fear?

I feel like I've lived many lives already in this lifetime. Yet, I feel like I'm on the verge of turning the corner on another chapter. One can only hope. I can't keep feeling numb anymore.