Journeys: Speedracer

"Have you been working a lot? You look tired."

Never the words I like to hear. From anyone. Especially the lady that does my hair. "Uh, yeah, yeah..." I mumbled, "Busy." 

Maybe she was just repeating what I had told her earlier--that the reason I hadn't come to see her more frequently in the past 6 months wasn't because I was using another hair stylist, but just simply because I haven't had the time. Maybe her eyesight is just bad. I mean after all, she isn't exactly the youngest gal on the block if you know what I'm saying. 

Okay. Alright, okay. I looked tired because I was tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. I sped through 2008 on overdrive. Running towards the bright future? More like, running away from a past that's still sprinkled throughout my mind. Creating distance, making new friends, joining new activities, establishing new routines, shedding the old...one piece at a time. 

It's funny how life does that to you...with each experience you go through, you gain something...something called perspective. After each blow, each loss, each disappointment, each failure, you sure don't walk away empty-handed. It's too easy to just forget and move on. You get a couple of Hey-Thanks-For-Playing prizes. Maybe it's a slice of humble pie. Maybe it's a newfound sense of appreciation for something or someone. Maybe it's a "Well, now I know" kind of attitude. It may even be thicker skin or a stronger self-defense mechanism. Whatever it is, we're not quite the same as we were before. For most of us, not only do we gain something new, we also begin accumulating something old called baggage. Souvenirs, if you will. 

I close my eyes. I'm ready. I'm so ready. For nights like these, for nights when I sit in my room and breathe slowly, so that I feel my heart beating, sometimes aching. So that it doesn't escape me for even a minute that I am very much alive. That each moment of my life was indeed real and it all happened in its rightful place in history--my history. And it's nights like these, that even though I often only mention the down times, I feel some sort of satisfaction knowing that all of it is mine. They're my memories, good and bad, and no one can take them away from me. They're my life experiences, my stories. 

And that's when I start to realize that the past can't hurt me anymore. I look in the rearview mirror and see things pop up once in a while and I might flinch, but then I realize it slowly fades away into the background. I might not forget, and I might not lose those souvenirs, but I'm not held captive anymore either. I can now enjoy inner peace, smile, and dream again. 

   

In reality, I've only have 2 really rough patches in my life. I've been incredibly blessed, I truly have, but I've also had to learn some tough lessons during those rough patches. 

Maybe those are really blessings too. 

Looks like I may not need to be in such a rush anymore. But just to be safe, I'll make sure to catch some extra zzz's before I go to another hair appointment.

-SL

Fwd:RE:RE: (no subject)

"Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain

Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty

You can't live

This way too long

There's more than this

More than this

Have you been standing on your own feet too long

Have you been looking for a place where you belong

You can rest

You will find rest

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered

Have you been giving in to all these masquerades, it will be gone

Let this old life crumble

Let it fade

Let this new life offered be your saving grace

Let this old life crumble

Let it fade"

-Jeremy Camp "Let it Fade"

Do you ever feel like the world is too loud sometimes? It seems like everyone is shouting, hoping that their shouts are louder than the next person's. I don't think it hit me until just now, but I am completely overwhelmed by the over-saturation of media in my life. The economy, the presidential campaigns, the propositions. I am inundated with how many hundreds of points the Dow has gone up one day and back down the next. I can't drive a single mile without hearing Vote Yes on Number X on the radio and simultaneously passing by a yard with Vote No on Number X sign. Then there's McCain this, Obama that. It's everywhere, every moment, and I'm not saying these are not real and relevant issues because of course they are, but I am simply just overwhelmed. 

Lately I've been overwhelmed with other things as well, mainly just my daily routines and responsibilities. Obviously I've not had a chance to update my blog, much less even remember the fact that I have a blog. Yet beyond all these things that are happening all around me, I'm thinking about my own life, my own journey. The song above really captures what is going on in my heart/mind. 

As I considered the questions asked in the song, and as I self-diagnosed the over-saturation of media in my life, a word popped in my head loud and clear: solitude. So then, obviously, I googled the word "solitude" and found this article:

Solitude vs. Loneliness by Hara Estroff Marano

"As the world spins faster and faster--or maybe it just seems that way when an email can travel around the world in fractions of a second--we mortals need a variety of ways to cope with the resulting pressures. We need to maintain some semblance of balance..."

"Otherwise we feel overloaded, overreact to minor annoyances and feel like we can never catch up. As far as I'm concerned, one of the best ways is by seeking, and enjoying, solitude.

From the outside, solitude and loneliness look a lot alike. Both are characterized by solitariness. But all resemblance ends at the surface.

Loneliness is a negative state, marked by a sense of isolation. One feels that something is missing. It is possible to be with people and still feel lonely.

Solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely. It is a positive and constructive state of engagement with oneself. 

Solitude is a time that can be used for reflection, inner searching or growth or enjoyment of some kind. 

Solitude suggests peacefulness stemming from a state of inner richness. It is a means of enjoying the quiet and whatever it brings that is satisfying and from which we draw sustenance.

Solitude is refreshing; an opportunity to renew ourselves. In other words, it replenishes us. 

Solitude gives us a chance to regain perspective. It renews us for the challenges of life." 

I think I'm ready for some solitude...